Well, not quite seven. I had three Jagermeister with ginger beer and lime drinks last night at the Jagermeister Independent Music Awards (formerly the AIR Awards), which honours the independent music sector and is organised by the Australian Independent Record Labels Assocation. I was their online content producer (you can see my articles online here: www.air.org.au) and did my smoozing at the awards, so I’m going to share some pearlers with you…

Dan Kelly – nephew of Paul Kelly, and musician in his own right – and I met at the Rolling Stone Awards in early 2011. Last night, I interviewed Kelly ahead of his performance. Beforehand, this is what happened:
Dan: “Hey, I remember you. I know you. How do I know you?”
Me: “We met at the Rolling Stone Awards last year. We got drunk and fell over in the garden. Then I lost you waiting for a bus. What happened to you?”
Dan: “Oh yeah, yeah. That was fun! I got a taxi.”

Phil Stack, Thirsty Merc’s bassist, whom I’ve known for six years told me: “Don’t leave me alone too long. I don’t know anyone here!”

When we had to catch the bus – I was packed in with the lovely lads from Hunting Grounds – Phil jumps on. For 20 mins we waited for the bus to leave to take us to the after party.
Phil: “Take the bus, I thought. It would be fun! I was gonna get a taxi, but no, I decided to catch the bus because I thought it would be fun.”

I told Darren Middleton, former guitarist for Powderfinger, whom I met last year at the awards, to save me a seat at the awards ceremony. As the hall starts to fill, he texts me: “I have a seat for you. Near the middle, near the camera”. When I stand up at the front of the hall and still can’t find him, he picks up the empty chair next to him and begins waving it in the air, shouting, “Over here!”

Me: “You don’t add me on Facebook. We’re not really friends.”
Darren: “I’ll add you right now…” [adds me and sees my profile pic] “Whoa!”
Me: “Six weeks of gym, Darren. I had to work out like hell to look like that.”
Darren: “I should join a gym.”
Me: “I’ll be your gym buddy! Let’s start jogging. Do you still live a 40-minute drive from me?”
Darren: “Yes.”
Me: “Well, I ain’t jogging that far. I’m not going to be your gym buddy.”
Darren: [laughs]
Me: “Woo! We’re now Facebook friends. I’m going to leave you clips of Swedish hardcore punk on your wall!”
Darren: “I thought you said ‘Swedish hardcore porn’ for a minute there.”

Lindsay McDougall – Triple J’s The Doctor and lead guitarist for Frenzal Rhomb – started tweeting me after I did an article for AIR on Frenzal Rhomb. That night, I tweeted him to ask him to be my date. When he didn’t reply, I joked to him on the red carpet that I had him and another “faux date” for the night.
Lindsay: “I didn’t accept your offer of a date only because I was on the 6.39 Craigieburn and there is no service on that line.”

Now to the faux Independent Music Awards:

Best Beard of the Night, as voted (in part) by Twitter:
1. Chet Faker
2. Henry Wagons
3. Nick O’Byrne (GM of AIR)

Best Presenter Quote:
“You Am I forget to be a rock band because we’re too busy socialising. We have to go back to being Australia’s 12th best rock band!” – Tim Rogers

Most awkward moment:
360 almost returning his best hip-hop album win, as he didn’t believe he was indie enough because he is “on a label that receives funding from a major label”.

Best host moment:
Dylan Lewis dropping the c-bomb and telling us the story behind the origin of “Fanta pants” nickname.

Best “Red” Carpet Quote:
“I’m presenting but I’m not presenting like a cow presents to a bull. I’m not presenting like a female dog presents to a male dog. I don’t want to get it confused. I’m not presenting as in ‘allowing’.” – Lindsay McDougall

Best speech
“Thank you.” – Chet Faker

Awards by Numbers
Number of times a winner mentioned their mum: One
Royal Headache – “My mum’s gonna be so stoked we won!”
Number of times a presenter thanked someone’s mum: One
Henry Wagons thanked his “mum and two dogs” a fake acceptance speech for the absent Mike Nock Trio Plus, winner of best jazz album.
Number of times a winner confessed their love of Dylan Lewis: One
Country lass Jess Ribeiro told Dylan “I loved you since I was a kid!”
Shot of Jager downed on stage: Four
Dylan Lewis and Royal Headache
Number of tweets Darren Middleton took over from me: Three
“My fingers are tired!”

Mascara and Monsters is Angela Allan's blog covering music and mayhem. She's also the founder and editor of Soot Magazine.

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